I'm Just Not Feeling It

So I think the week is starting to catch up to me and wear me down. I'm also becoming super frustrated because I need a car and I am not even close to having enough money to purchase one. I'm absolutely tired of adjusting to the schedules of other people and having to wake up extra early or leave late just because I am running on somebodies timing. And the thing I don't understand is why I always have to learn a spiritual lesson every time that I am frustrated. My stomach also hurts and I just don't want to be at school today-thankfully I have an orthodontist appointment and am able to leave early, but as for now I just want to go crawl back into my warm, comfy bed and crash. I want to just give up and quit. Don't get me wrong, God has showered me with tons of blessings but right now I am just choosing to be pouty-it's just one of those days. Please pray for me about the car! I'm irritated because it's not as if I want one to make me happy or to look cool, I just genuinely need one now.

Killing Apathy and Finding Contentment

Sorry guys, this post is totally random, all my thoughts just thrown together. Hope you can keep track. :)

Do you ever feel like you are in a downward spiral? Yeah, so that was my week and I can see how I flunked in so many areas. I realized that I was frustrated and refusing to see the blessings that the Lord had for me. I was reading Jimmy Needham's myspace and something caught my eye:

"There is a phenomenon of supernatural apathy and a lack of vigor from a majority of American believers. We have bought into Satans lie that God just wants us to be happy. So we seek only to please ourselves, never looking to the lost with a broken heart, praying but never acting. This cannot be the Lords will."

I obviously was not content in the Lord and was trying to find it (yet again) in other people and things. I keep whining about how I hate being at school, how I'm unhappy, and how I honestly see no purpose in me being where I am. I got caught up in the mindset that my sole purpose in life is to be happy. Forget God's will right? Wrong. God has placed me here for his purpose and his will. I'm not happy with it? So what Arev. Suck it up. I want to do God's will and I'm tired of moping around, refusing to see all of the glorious things that God has been doing and is going to do. Sure, transition is hard, but that's okay. I need change, I need to be thrown out of my comfort zone, because now I am required to lean on the Lord for guidance. The last two weeks I felt apathetic and completely self absorbed. Now my question is, how do I find contentment in the Lord? I've been running on empty, and I'm ready to be filled with God's joy. I want to serve, and I want to work with what I have.

College is certainly not what I expected it to be and I think it's hilarious how I had all these plans and how they have all fallen through. Then I realized that I was not putting my hope in the Lord, but (as silly as this sounds) in college, in having fun, in experiencing new things. Well, I am definitely experiencing new things, just not the things I was hoping for. I really thought it would be easy, but it's not. I was talking to Azad and she said that maybe I should stop questioning if God wants me at FPU but rather embrace it. Embrace where Christ has me and just run with it. Okay God, I'm all yours. Do what you have for me and help me to be obedient.

When Nature Calls ,You Run!

So even though I have heard this a lot, college is extremely different from high school. I've decided to make a mental list:

1) When you gotta go, you just go! So, I was in my self defense class and I really had to go to the bathroom, and I didn't realize up until that point how trained I was from high school to wait and raise my hand (I didn't actually raise my hand, i knew that would be silly, but I considered it). I finally just got up the nerve to get up and go, and it didn't even phase my prof! He didn't care and neither did anyone else!


2) New terminology. It's no longer "teacher" but Prof, no longer "cafeteria" but caf, no longer...well, i can't think of any other term, but I'm liking it.

3) No annoying administrators/teachers keeping track of you.

There are tons more freedoms that I am really enjoying but I feel even more tired now that I am working and going to school. I miss Jacob and right now we are just adjusting to each other's schedules-we even decided to trade so we know when to reach each other. In other words, college is going great and I'm extremely thankful. I still feel a bit wierd at times because I'm still making friends, but I know that the Lord will bring those in good timing.

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated at life right now. I know God is going to do good things and he has the best planned for me, but right now I just don't see any of it. This last week has been really hard and I thought I was handling it pretty well, but now I just feel stuck. Everything I had planned just seemed to fall through and I'm left here feeling disappointed and that the same time trying to trust that I'm in the Lord's hands. All I feel like doing is crying and it's all out of frustration. I'm trying to lean on the promises that Jeremiah 29:11-13 holds, which says:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I honestly don't feel like going to Fresno Pacific anymore and I feel more disappointed than anything else.

...

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world."

Galatians 6:14

This week was certainly not what I expected it to be and was filled with disappointment, frustration, and a terrible attitude. I was also very tired and felt as if the sin I was struggling with was simply swept under the carpet until I could deal with it later. One question Loren asked us at church was, "What are you boasting in?" In other words, what is that one thing (or several things) that I have just been clinging to and hoping desperately that it would satisfy me and make me happy?

After thinking about it I knew that all week I had been boasting in the things of this world, like wanting to drive a nice car, live on campus (which also fell through) or looking a certain way. I also grew to be dependent on other people and things rather than the Lord. It is shameful to say that I chose to put so many things before the Lord this week and that in turn made me miserable. It's like I knew what I was doing wrong and I kept doing it which in the end comes back to bite you in the butt.

However, God has shown me his grace and compassion. He has not given me what I deserve and I'm so thankful for that and that there is absolutally nothing I can do to gain God's favor or make up for my sins.

On another note, today is Freshmen orientation which means that I don't have to go to work!I'm excited about meeting new people and I realize that it is so much easier to make friends in college than it is in high school! Everyone is just so kicked back and pretty dorky like myself. Jacob is also (lordwilling) going to come pick me up so we can spend some extra time together that we normally wouldn't have.

"If I find in myself a desire which nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Big God

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the desert and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise."
Isaiah 43:18-21

I want to go on a missions trip, maybe Africa. It's so easy to become tangled into things of this world, things that are so inferior and minute compared to the living God. You think at the time that they are so important, and then you realize how big God really is. God is huge and he sees such a huge picture. I think I've concluded that God is big, I am not and his ways are so much cooler.

Blah Blah Blah

God is good no matter how I feel. This morning I woke up and felt a bit down because I know I haven't been seeking the Lord as I should. I'm not sure if you have ever woken up with a burden on your heart, but it was just one of those mornings. It's Wednesday, 2 more days of the week left! I have to admit, I feel rather blah at the moment, not only emotionally but also in my relationship with the Lord. The sucky part is that I know that it is my fault-although SWC was amazing, it still threw off my time with the Lord. Everytime I'm thrown off like that it's a bit difficult for me to get back into a regular routine, which is something I have been working towards. By the way, I saw my roommate yesterday and it looks like we are all settled as to who is bringing what for our dorm. I'm so thankful that Brittany isn't high maintenance and is cool with whatever. We're pretty excited about decorating our room :) So, i am off to work. Sorry you guys, this blog entry was pretty lame today, sort of reflecting my mood at the moment.